Things to know about tortoises.

  • The backbone of a tortoise is connected to its shell, which is why a tortoise’s shell cannot be removed without killing the tortoise.
  • Tortoises are in the kingdom of animals, the phylum of vertebrates, the class of reptiles, the order Testudines, and the family Chelonian.
  • Some people think that tortoises are just land turtles, which is true but misleading. Tortoises and turtles are from the same order, but tortoises live mostly on land and thus have body structures adapted to living mostly on land, and turtles live mostly underwater and thus have body structures adapted to living mostly underwater.
  • If you put a tortoise underwater, it probably would not be able to swim as well as a sea turtle, although they are turtles. Do not try this with your pet tortoise as some tortoises may not be able to swim and would drown.
  • Tortoises are undisputedly the best animals in the entire universe.
  • There are two components to a tortoise’s shell; the carapace and the plastron, which is biologist’s code for the top of the shell and the bottom of the shell, respectively. While these two parts of the shell are connected, there are holes in the shell for the tortoise’s limbs and head, so it can withdraw these body parts into its shell.
  • Lonesome George was the last Pinta Island tortoise(a subspecies) until 2012, when he was no longer the last of his kind because he died and then there were 0 of his kind. No other Pinta Island tortoise has been found at the time of this writing.
  • If historical records are correct, Jonathan, a Seychelles giant tortoise is the current oldest living tortoise and will be 183 on February 7, 2015. The oldest verified tortoise ever is Tu’i Malila, according to the Guiness Book of World Records. The tortoise died in 1965 at the(supposed) age of 188. However, some people claim that a tortoise called Adwaita, who died in 2006, lived to be around the square of 16 minus the square of 1, which is also (16-1)(16+1). This claim has not been verified and probably never can be since it is obviously impossible to calculate 256-1, thus these two numbers may not be the same.
  • There are two types of years; the year of the turtle and the year of the tortoise. These years alternate. Turtles born in the year of the turtle will be tortoises while turtles born in the year of the tortoise will become sea turtles.
  • The Romans sometimes used a testudo formation during war, based on the shell of a tortoise. Soldiers would use their shields to either protect the sides of the formation or the top depending on their position. The shields overlapped and made motion slow, however this was very effective against enemies that used arrows because the arrows were deflected by lasers that were emitted from the tortoise formation due to its affiliation with the amazing laser tortoise.
  • Different species of tortoises have different diets and feeding your pet tortoise the wrong things can be bad because the tortoise would die and you would have to clean the body up. However, tortoises generally require many different types of plants, since they are all experienced gourmets and enjoy many different types of ridiculously small portions of plants on giant plates that cost billions of dollars, as well as bottles of rotten grape juice that may cause them to crash their limousines and destroy their livers. Most tortoises also require calcium to build their shells and vitamin D-3 to sell for 100 times the price they paid for it so that they can buy expensive jewellery but not food, which you have to provide for them. You should go here for more information.
  • The majority of tortoises and turtles live in the country Tautisuss Sand Tertulls, a constitutional monarchy in which the Queen, Mary, has some reserve powers while most affairs are taken care of by the Kaonsul of Tautisuss Sand Tertulls. Tortoises can’t spell properly because they always spell properly as propurli. Most of the rest of the tortoises live in Ecalpa while the remainder are either expatriates in other countries or sophisticated butlers/maids in Astiphidoscet.
  • Different species of tortoises also require different soil and sand mixes in their special tortoise areas(for lack of a better word). Before buying a tortoise you need to ensure that you know enough about the tortoise to provide what it needs and not have to clean it up when it dies. While some stores sell heat lamps and stuff like that for the tortoises, these things may not be suitable for the species of tortoise that you are buying and may cause your pet tortoise to complain to the Tortoise Protection Agency about your irresponsible behaviour towards it. If your pet tortoise tells you that it requires expensive red wine, this usually means that you are hallucinating because tortoises obviously cannot drink red wine. However, tortoises that drink white wine usually require their tortoise areas to be covered with a blanket stuffed with down feathers of critically endangered birds and a thread count of exactly 9242.
  • Tortoises usually crawl at about 76 cm per second around humans. However, when a human is not looking, it can travel at 299792457.99999999999999999999999 m/s via rocket propulsion.
  • In the time that you took to read this, 20 people have been captured and stored in pods to provide electricity via body heat and electrical signals by the Testudinal Human Invasion Agency and have been replaced by robots controlled by the THIA. The reason this invasion is taking so long is that most tortoises are drinking too much white wine.

All you need to know about tortoises

“Tortoise head” by Charlesjsharp – Own work. Licensed under CC BY 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons –


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